Trying to justify my lifestyle
[Edit, 25/06/07 - don't read too much into this post; my Mum and I have a good relationship, I was just feeling a bit frustrated by the disparity between our ideals when I wrote this.]
I’m going to break the chronology of the China reports to insert something a bit more topical. I was talking to my Mum last night and, as always, we started talking about my work situation. I’m currently working fifteen to twenty hours a week doing admin for my church, and for the last month since I got back from China that’s all I’ve been getting paid for, having finally quit the mentally and spiritually toxifying (for me) environment of retail two months ago. I’m looking for extra work, but only because I have a student loan that needs to be paid off; were I debt-free, I’d be perfectly happy earning the $185 a week (after tax) that I’m getting now.
Mum can’t understand this. Trying to explain my outlook to her is like trying to explain C++ to me. Or like trying to explain the merits of an ethnically diverse society to my grandmother. Or like the time my dad and little brother were trying to argue my other grandmother into becoming an Evangelical Christian. We’re coming from completely different places.
Perhaps part of my problem is that I don’t have many rational arguments for my view. It’s an emotionally-driven thing. The way I see it is: why should I be a slave to money, and sacrifice my health and happiness for a house, medical insurance and the possibility that I might be able to reduce my working hours when I’m sixty-five, after I’ve finished paying off the mortgage and put the kids through university? The way I think my Mum sees it is: I’m wasting my opportunity to make money while I’m young and healthy and have no dependents - I should be aiming to pay off my loan, get a mortgage and start building up a financial home base, so that I have the resources to solve any problems that come my way.
To condense things a bit - I want to be free and to focus on what’s really important; Mum wants me to avoid ruin and become successful.
This has been one of the major conflicts in my life. I’ve always tended toward the worldview I hold now; My parents (Dad’s a lot quieter, but shares roughly the same views and upbringing as Mum) have always tried to encourage me to adopt their worldview. The most frustrating thing for me growing up - and still - is that I just can’t talk to them about anything important. They worry about me far too much to actually listen.
I can’t answer your concerns in conversation, Mum. You can’t or won’t hear me. But here are my answers to the questions you ask me nearly every time we talk:
“What about your student loan? Don’t you want to pay it off?”
Of course I do. But it’s interest-free at the moment. It’s only one of the things that deserve my attention, not the main thing.
“What if you meet someone? She’s not going to think much of a guy who can’t take her out or afford to do anything!”
I would love to ‘meet someone’. But I am who I am, and I don’t want to get romantically involved with a woman who doesn’t like who I am. If she’s not attracted to me as a poor, under-employed idealist, we are obviously not right for each other. And if such a woman doesn’t exist, so be it.
“What if you get sick?” This one I can’t really answer. Who knows what will happen to them? It doesn’t worry me much though. All I can say in answer is to quote Jesus in Matthew Chapter 6:
“…If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
(from The Message)
And Jesus knew what he was talking about. I worship a God who walked the earth for three years as a homeless itenerate preacher, hanging out with the people who, according to conventional wisdom, weren’t worth wasting your time on. It wasn’t safe. It got him killed. Most of his close friends shared the same fate.
I’m just trying to let go of the things that keep me from being me, that keep me from knowing God, and that keep me from becoming more like him.
Posted in News and such
February 23rd, 2007 at 1:55 pm
Hmmmmm…. deep.
February 23rd, 2007 at 3:35 pm
I greatly sympathise. I’m seriously considering asking my bosses if I can drop back to 4 days a week (with a corresponding drop in pay) and spending the extra day doing the (still productive) things I want to spend time on.
February 24th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
Yup. I can understand that.
February 26th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
May I ask what your average day looks like?
February 26th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
At the moment: I usually get up around 8, have a shower, have breakfast; if it’s a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday I’ll head to the office about 9 and work for 3 - 6 hours; if it’s a Monday, Friday or Saturday I’ll spend the day doing stuff I enjoy - eg today I’m building a case for a guitar amp. I spent the week before last repainting a guitar. I also read, make bread, cook, surf the net, play computer games and look at job ads.
Can I add, though, that I do a lot of my living inside my head, so to speak. I like to think about whatever I’m doing, and examine how my thoughts and attitudes change over time.
February 26th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
You need a job where you get paid for thinking.
February 27th, 2007 at 12:34 am
Hi Fraser, I’ve visited a few times now and enjoyed what I’ve read, but this is my first post - hope it makes sense.
I’ll admit my admiration and respect for what you are standing for, but I will ask one question;
Is this (at least partly) really just the product of a self-absorbed, instant noodles generation that downplays duty and responsibility, and dresses up “if-it-feels-good-do-it” in quasi-spiritual terms? For example, perhaps Jesus’ words in Matt 6 look a little different in the light of Proverbs 18:9 “One who is slack in work is close kin to a vandal.” (NRSV)
I’ve no doubt that the journey you are on is one that many from every generation have walked. However, my reflections on my own journey (I’m old/young enough to have a foot in either camp) and others around me, suggest that there might be more that a bit of a cultural, as opposed to completely spiritual, influence going on here…
I wonder if you’ve considered that, and what conclusions you’ve come to?
February 27th, 2007 at 10:19 am
If I could reply to that, Andrew; isn’t the alternative equally cultural? I mean, it’s called ‘the protestant work ethic’ for a reason.
‘One who is slack in work is close to a vandal’ I would suggest is true with regards to employment. However, I don’t think Fraser is talking about being slack at work; there’s a difference between working less for the same pay, and working less for less pay.
My own reason for wanting to work less is that I don’t see a whole lot of eternal or spiritual significance in my work; I’d like to spend more time on things I actually believe in. And hey, market-driven economies and the great western capitalism ensure that I’ll only get paid according to the value I contribute; it just so happens that I could live quite happily on less ‘value’ than I currently give and get.
February 27th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
Matt, thanks for the I’m certainly not suggesting that Fraser is lazy. I think it all depends on how you understand the meaning of that word ’slack’. On reflection, I’m forced to admit that yours is better than mine. I checked out the Message today, and his transliteration does put a different spin on the verse:
“Slack habits and sloppy work are as bad as vandalism.”
Another relevant principle for this dicussion can be found in Proverbs 23:4 “Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint.”
I understand and sympathise with where you are coming from. I’ve made a somewhat similar choice in the past. But despite all that, I think my question still stands…
February 27th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Sorry, that should read:
Matt, thanks for the insightful reply. I’m certainly not…
February 27th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
Thanks for your question Andrew. I’m sure I am to some degree a product of the same social forces that have shaped the rest of my generation; however, I don’t think my values are entirely in step with the values you allude to. I do value hard/honest/diligent work, but I don’t value work for its own sake. I prefer to do work that I find meaningful, but if that option isn’t available to me I’ll do ‘meaningless’ work (and do it well) in order to survive. I’m fortunate in that at the moment, I have a meaningful, enjoyable job that covers my expenses while leaving me with plenty of free time. Last year I worked at an additional job which I mostly hated - I had twice as much income, but was much less content with my situation. I guess the underlying values here are: I value having freedom over having power, and value ‘meaningful’ activities (those that I feel are helping me or others) over ‘productive’ activities.
I’m not sure how much my outlook coincides with the general outlook of my generation. I’ve read a few articles that seem to indicate that people my age tend to share my values, but from observing my peers I see that the majority tend to have similar values to their parents (success and financial security are important, money will make you happy) - the difference is that members of this generation tend to be a little more affluent (thanks mostly to their parents’ generation’s hard work) and consequently have more opportunity to mess around.
March 2nd, 2007 at 11:28 am
I agree that the woman you will meet will love you regardless of your financial circumstances, but given that you love this creature, are these the circumstances you desire to present to her on your wedding day? (given you have some degree of control over them at this stage)
There are many valid reasons that this may indeed be the case, I’m simply presenting an alternative angle. One other thing: underneath it all, despite what it may seem, the previous generation really aren’t all that different.
Nice blog btw
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Thanks.
Yes. My belief is that love≠wealth. I don’t expect I would want to marry someone who believed otherwise. As for wedding-day-financial-circumstances, I like to think that we’d have the chance to make decisions for the future beforehand, and plan together how much work we’d each have to do. Can I re-iterate that I’m not anti-work - I’m pro-freedom.
March 8th, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Thanks Fraser, I’ve found this a stimulating discussion. It would be interesting to come back to it when your kids are in school to see if your approach and/or values have changed, and what that means.
But in the meantime, enjoy learning how to let go of the things that keep you from knowing God, and that keep you from becoming more like him.
March 19th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Thanks for that post man. It makes me feel better, though somewhat reflective with regards to .::.stuff.::.. But Alas, I am procrastinating and avoiding having to write essays so I shall reflect later.
Peace out homie